Arroyo Grande

• Feb. 29: A caller on East Grand Avenue found tool marks and damage to their rear doorframe and ol’ Sherlock deduced someone had tried to break in.

• Feb. 29: Some out-of-luck guy on probation was found with drug paraphernalia in his car.

• Feb. 27: A scofflaw on the 100 block of Bell was cited and released for possession and misdemeanor warrant. A woman on the scene was arrested for providing false information to a police officer, clearly shattering the glass ceiling on crime equality.

• Feb. 27: Two kids’ bicycles were stolen on Sunset.

• Feb. 27: Someone shattered a window on a truck at the high school and stole some small electronics.

• Feb. 26: A woman on the 200 block of Elm was arrested for assaulting her husband and child endangerment.

• Feb. 24: A sneaky fellow was arrested for prowling about in the 200 block of Stanley.

• Feb. 23: A mother reported that her teen-aged daughter “made odd statements” to her when questioned about touching herself inappropriately. Police said there’s no crime in that.

• Feb. 21: Police determined that there was insufficient evidence supporting a report of a man on the 1300 block of East Grand who was hit in the face multiple times by some coward who fled the scene.

Morro Bay

• Feb. 28: Police responded at 8:13 p.m. to a dust-up on Main Street and greeted an old friend with a pair of shiny bracelets, and a trip to the ER, as the 51-year old was apparently extremely schnockered, and then to the hoosegow to sleep it off.

• Feb. 28: At 12:21 p.m. they took reports of a stolen bike in the 400 block of Whidbey Way; a stolen speaker from an unlocked garage in the 700 block of Kern and a vehicle vandalism in the 2100 block of Ironwood, as the petty crime wave continues. And yet people found two checks, a driver’s license and two wallets and turned them in.

• Feb. 28: Police booked a 25-year-old fellow for suspicion of being high as Hollister Peak on drugs and paraphernalia in the 800 block of Front St.

• Feb. 26: Someone burgled a storage unit in the 2100 block of Main sometime since last November, the last time the person visited their jailed possessions.

• Feb. 24: Police responded to a coffee shop in the 200 block of the Boulevard for a report of a one patron spitting on another. Perhaps decaf is in order?

• Feb. 24: Police contacted a no doubt staggering fellow at 12:06 a.m. at San Joaquin and Fir and the 43-year-old borracho was arrested for suspicion of resisting arrest and of course being tossed.

• Feb. 26: A local transient man had a rough week that saw him taken to the gaol seven times in 11 days, as the world spins out of control in paradise. It started at 12:30 a.m. Feb. 15 with an arrest for illegal camping by City Park. At 3:46 a.m. on the 19th, he was arrested at the park for a warrant, possession and paraphernalia. At 10:26 a.m. that same morning he was arrested at the police station on the Boulevard. At 8 p.m. on the 21st he was tossed to the nick once again after allegedly causing a disturbance in the 800 block of Front St. At 12:08 a.m. Feb. 23 the disgruntled fellow was disturbing the gruntled folks back by the park and was arrested again. At 5:52 a.m. the 25th, he was again the center of attention at Bernardo and MBB and again checked into the Parkinson Plaza. On the 26th at 11:13 a.m., “Heee’s Baaa-ck!” causing a ruckus at the police station again, and no doubt taking his well-oiled protestations straight to the top. Tune in again next week folks, for the continuing soap opera, “The Drunk and the Restless…”

• Feb. 22: Police took eight reports of thefts from unlocked vehicles in the same North Morro Bay neighborhood. Two were up on Nutmeg, one on Maple and five were in the 600 block of Ponderosa, as the night scoundrels switch from the Heights for the night. Pinched booty included sunglasses, cell phone and gift cards, and 20 Washingtons in cash.

• Feb. 17: Police stopped a vehicle at 4:23 p.m. at Piney and Harbor and cited the woman driver, 48, for a suspended license, expired registration and “failing to stop for a school bus with stop indicators activated,” no doubt thinking they were just kidding with those flashy warning signs.

• Feb. 15: Police responded at 1 p.m. to the 800 block of Main for a reported assault. Logs indicated the 23-year-old male victim was “beaten stabbed, gouged and cut with a pair of pruning shears” by two white male adults. One 26-year-old ruffian was arrested on suspicion of assault with a deadly weapon. The other suspect, identified as Justin Seymour Porter, 28, “is outstanding and is wanted in this case,” said police.

Pismo Beach

• March 1: A caller reported that a man dragged another man onto the sidewalk in front of McDonald’s. The angry McNugget was arrested.

• March 1: A litterbug was reported on El Camino at 4th Street. The slob was not located.

• March 1: A boorish man was yelling and cursing at passersby by California Fresh.

• March 1: A caller on the 400 block of Oceanview reported a neighbor’s door was wide open and an unfamiliar person was in the area.

• March 1: A man going through the trash at Motel 6 had been asked to leave. He was not a guest but was bothering those that were. He had also found a key and was trying to get into a room.

• March 1: A man in a van (down by the river for old-school SNL fans) on the 300 block of Five Cities Drive was trying to get McDonald’s employees to approach the vehicle to buy some undisclosed items. He was having car problems and was advised against trying to make a buck when you’re down on your luck.

• March 1: A caller on Hermosa reported possible drug activity when a truck pulled into an area and parked. The driver told police he was just enjoying the “peace and quite,” which was no doubt ruined by Mrs. Kravitz.

• Feb. 28: Multiple calls came in reporting a brawl at the end of Main Street. One caller said fight club members had fled the scene and another reported that medical attention was needed.

• Feb. 28: Multiple vehicles were broken into around the city on Lemore, Hanford, Price Canyon and Stratford streets.

• Feb. 28: A man on the pier carrying a bottle of alcohol and reportedly acting strangely was nailed for being hammered in public.

• Feb. 28: A panhandler was screaming at customers in front of McDonald’s, which probably really brought in the donations. Police could not locate him.

• Feb. 28: Dispatch received a call from the 400 block of Parkview and the caller said, “I didn’t touch you.” On call back, the man said that nothing had happened.

• Feb. 28: A man at the beach near the swing set was throwing bottles at a woman. One was arrested and one was taken to the ER.

• Feb. 28: A caller on the 2500 block of Spyglass reported that her cat might have been stolen. The feline’s collar was found in front of a room at the Spyglass Inn.

San Luis Obispo

• March 4: Police responded to the 7-Eleven on Marsh at 6:49 a.m. where some worm threw a beer bottle and nearly got an early bird.

• March 4: Police responded at 6:42 a.m. to the 1500 block of Fredericks for some apparent litterbug camping between the UMC and the freeway who was cited.

• March 4: Someone called at 5:19 a.m. from the 600 block of Monterey who said some Otis Campbell was passed out surrounded by beer cans on the lawn of the Hysterical Museum. In an unrelated case of inebriation, at 3:26 a.m. someone said another holder of the key to the city was passed out under the Hwy 101 bridge by the Old Cemetery.

• March 4: At 2:23 a.m. police responded to the 2200 block of Beebee where some sicko broke into an ambulance.

• March 4: At 1:37 a.m. six officers responded to an assault at Mo Tav in the 800 block of Higuera. They arrested a 31-year-old ruffian for suspicion of battery. Just prior, at 1:11, a group of macho men at Taco Bell on Santa Rosa “looked like they wanted to fight someone.” Three cops showed up and they chickened out.

• March 4: At 12:38 a.m. police and fire responded to another assault call, this time in the Library bar. The victim’s eye got split open but he declined medical attention. A 21-year-old future leader was arrested for suspicion of battery.

• March 3: Police responded at 11 p.m. to the 2100 block of Broad where some fathead hit a car and then hit the gas outside Fatte’s Pizza.

• March 3: Police and fire responded at 10:31 p.m. to Chorro at West for an injury bike vs. bike crash, as apparently having one-way bike lanes separated by traffic weren’t enough.

• March 3: At 10:05 p.m. police responded to the 1000 block of Palm for a report of a transient sleeping under the back stairs of an office building. Police advised the slacker there’s no squatting at the Palm Street Land Co.

• March 3: Someone flagged down a passing cop in the 800 block of Pacific at 8:45 p.m. to complain about a suspicious man sitting on a bench. Police interviewed the poor schmoe and left, as apparently parking the ol’ gluteus maximus isn’t yet against the law.

• March 3: Some graffidiot dirtied up the Bath & Body Works store in the 800 block of Higuera.

• March 3: Police were called at 5:53 p.m. to the 300 block of Pacific for a report of a naked transient man taking a bath in front of a business, which will drive away customers every time. The bare-naked dingus was gone when police arrived 15 minutes later. In an unrelated case, at 5:40, police responded to Subway in the 1300 block of Madonna for a transient man who’s been locked in the bathroom for over an hour and refuses to come out.

• March 3: Police went wiki wiki to South and Higuera where some long-haired Hawaiian-looking Kanaka was standing on the corner exposing his ‘auwiniwini for all the world to see.

• March 3: Police responded to a disturbance at 5 p.m. in the 3100 block of Camellia. Logs indicated a father gave his son an iPhone and then fought him for it.

• March 3: Police were called to the County Courthouse where a juvenile delinquent had run away. In an apparently unrelated case, at 4:20 someone reported an unattended 8-year-old boy at a bus stop at Ramona and Palomar.

• March 3: Police responded to the first block of Higuera where the folks at Goodwill were felling a little ill will towards a transient woman sleeping on the side of the building.

• March 3: A disturbance was reported at 1:42 p.m. at 7-Eleven on Marsh. Logs indicated they arrested a man for resisting arrest.

• March 3: At 1:36 p.m. someone in Meadow Park reported that a transient man had just taken a whiz on a City Parks Department truck, also called getting Trumped.

• March 3: Police responded to the Prado Road homeless daycare center where someone found a bag containing what looks like black tar heroin.

• March 3: A citizen called police and said that his roommate had called him and said he’d received a suspicious package. No report, as his package was apparently not the bomb he thought it was.