By Susan K. Boyd MS, MFT
What is the role of money in relationship to love? Is money the reason couples stay together or can it also be the wedge that drives them apart?
According to the American Psychological Association, divorce in the United States has fluctuated between 40-50%. That rate lowered, substantially, at the peak of the recession. But researchers think that might have been due to the fact that people could not afford to divorce in the bad economy. A poor job market, and debt that would result from divorce, kept many couples together for survival.
Conflict over money, however, or the lack of it, has stressed many marriages to the point of divorce in good and bad economies. So, not surprising, as people wait to get married until after they receive a degree, their earning power goes up and they are less likely to feel the stress of financial difficulties. However, an interesting phenomenon is taking place. According to a recent study the number of Americans who have never been married has reached a historic high. People are not feeling the need to get married until later in life or not at all.
When couples do finally get married the price they are willing to pay for weddings has become astronomical. A cost of between $ 20,0000-$50,000 is not unusual. People are, also, spending a higher percentage of their income and saving less than in the past. Beginning life together in debt because of a wedding can cause problems for a couple from the start.
When money, and what it can buy, trumps love in a relationship, trouble follows. This is true in any economy and no matter what the earning power of the people involved. Money cannot compete with, or, replace love.
Sometimes money becomes a weapon when couples feel hurt. They try to outspend one another as a revenge tactic; “If he can spend that on himself then I deserve to have what makes me happy!” Some spouses spend money in order to fill a void in their marriage. This may be a result of feeling bored, lonely, or rejected; “I have something to look forward to, even the search to find it is like a high,”(This can be million dollar real estate or a pair of shoes). Both of these relationship problems are not about money, but feeling unloved, yet, they can lead to debt, which, ultimately, strains the relationship.
Love can, also, be lost because of the desire for money. This marital problem is not, necessarily, due to spending, but actually, the compulsive need to keep earning. Making money at the expense of spending time with a partner, will turn love into longing, and strip away years of hope for memories, that may never be made together.
So how can couples stay close and keep money in its rightful place? When two people love each other that is their priority. They, then, use money for what they believe is important. Money, however, or the need for it, can never become more important than that loving relationship.
Susan K. Boyd is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist in private practice in SLO. She can be reached for counseling by calling (805) 782-9800 or email: [email protected]. Also see www.susankboydmft.com.
