Avila Beach
• Dec. 14: Santa Díos, someone reported indecent exposure on San Juan Street at 3:37 a.m. Deputies got there at 3:42 p.m. to scope out the sitch-u-ashun. But alas don’t despair, a suicidal subject was reported at 8:50 a.m. on Avila Beach Drive and according to logs, deputies arrived at 9:07 p.m. and “No Disposition Needed” by then.
• Dec. 13: A burglary was reported at 3:26 a.m. in the 7000 block of Ontario Rd. Deputy dog arrived at 3:39 p.m. to start sniffing around.
Cayucos
• Dec. 14: At 12:15 p.m. someone reported a swizzle stick traipsing up the 900 block of Ocean Ave. According to logs, when deputies arrived at 12:31 a.m. the guy said faggedaboutit. But when someone called at 2:33 a.m. to report a party in the first block of Bakersfield, deputies arrived 10 minutes later to bust it up, an apparent case against there being safety in numbers.
• Dec. 14: A citizen in the 300 block of Hacienda reported a gosh-darn dastardly crime, petty theft.
County Jail
• Dec. 15: The Crime Lab boys were back testing 15 of the shining examples for possible nefarious acts. And one apparent scofflaw turned himself in like a good little porch pooch.
Los Osos
• Dec. 15: Deputies were called at 8:18 a.m. to the 300 block of LOVR where some graffidiot left his mark on the world for all to see and guffaw over.
• Dec. 15: Someone in the 2100 block of Mountainview reported a family dustup at 12:16 p.m., for when the Brits might take tea, some Yanks prefers dere crumpets.
• Dec. 15: Deputies started a crime report for some misadventure that took place at 2:30 a.m. in the 600 block of Quintana, no doubt another EIP — existing in public.
• Dec. 15: Someone called at 9 a.m. from Los Olivos and Fairchild to report dastardly shenanigans and deputies tossed the knackered nincompoop to the nick.
• Dec. 13: A grand theft was reported in the 1800 block of Sage Ave., and some no doubt sage deputy will investigate.
Pismo Beach
• Dec. 17: A caller on the 200 block said that her daughter had gone to Ecuador to meet a man and was supposed to be home in early December. The daughter called her mother and said that the man had taken her passport and wouldn’t let her leave. She was advised to call the consulate.
• Dec. 17: A caller on the 200 block of Five Cities Drive reported someone washing their car without a control mechanism on their hose.
• Dec. 16: Some doofus was throwing an axe at a defenseless palm tree on the 200 block of Grand. The guy seemed to have taken off on a bike before police arrived.
• Dec. 16: Some guys on the 200 block of Pomeroy who had been kicked out of the Pismo Hotel previously was possibly planning a return visit. One arrest was made.
• Dec. 15: Extra patrols were requested at Ira Lease Park for a couple who lock themselves in the bathroom overnight.
• Dec. 15: Some pesky guy had been asking employees at Beach West personal questions for the past couple of weeks. They were told to call when Columbo was in the business again.
• Dec. 14: Someone passed out in the handicap stall of the women’s restroom at the Chevron station. They were advised of the no camping rule and, no doubt, advised to sleep in a hotel bathroom.
• Dec. 14: Two pickled guys were lying down in the valet parking area at The Cliffs. They were waiting for a sober driver.
• Dec. 13: A caller reported a man on the 800 block of Oak Park carrying a suitcase and a blanket had been loitering all morning. He was advised to move along and apparently went to Ross Dress for Less. An employee reported a transient man hanging out by the fitting rooms and the children’s toy area. He had a baseball bat partially hanging out of his suitcase, obviously waiting for a pick-up game. He had been in the store several times and had been asked to leave. He was advised against trespassing.
• Dec. 12: Someone entered the station to talk to an officer about a neighbor’s wind chimes.
San Luis Obispo
• Dec. 18: Police responded at 1 a.m. to Higuera and Garden for a reported assault by a woman. The suspect was white, with red hair, wearing a blue, flannel shirt and Blue Jeans. The 22-year-old battleaxe was arrested for suspicion of battery and being bent in public, which explains a lot.
• Dec. 17: Police were called at 8 a.m. to the 100 block of Casa at Dr. Collie’s Office where some James Dean spray-painted, “Teen angst made me do it.”
• Dec. 17: The folks at Napa on Marsh told police they had video of some thief cutting through a chain line fence and stealing stuff, as candid camera cop strikes again.
• Dec. 17: Folks at Piemontes Italian Deli on Monterey, said some mamaluke was locked in the crapper for 10 minutes and while he answers their shouts to “Give someone else a chance!” he won’t come out. Naturally, the throne hog was gone when police arrived to flush him out.
• Dec. 17: A citizen in the 2800 block of Johnson reported at least 10 unauthorized online charges to his or her credit card. Logs indicated a juvenile e-rascal was arrested.
• Dec. 17: Police fielded several violations of the City’s standing in one place too long law. The first was at 1 p.m. in the 1700 block of Tonini where three 20-something men were sitting on a gray VW Jetta. At 1:33 they went to the 1800 block of Devaul for three men hanging out behind the caller’s house for 45 minutes, which is about 46 minutes too long in this town.
• Dec. 17: Police got a 9-1-1 hang-up call at 1:21 p.m. from People’s Self Help Housing office in the 3500 block of Empleo. On call back, it went to voicemail that said they’d “stepped away from the office.”
• Dec. 17: Police got an emergency, SOS from a vehicle panic device by some apparent cockroach on Cucaracha, as they’d vanished like the lights were turned on.
• Dec. 17: A man called police at 4:11 p.m. from the 1500 block of Huckleberry after his daughters came home at 2:45 and found the front door wide open. No word on whether some huckleberry ripped them off.
• Dec. 17: Someone called at 4:40 p.m. from King and Sandercock to report several teen-aged boys walking along and smoking the evil weed. At 6 p.m. someone in the 1200 block of Southwood said there were three women smoke ganja outside his or her house, and they do it all the time, proving once again that weed is habit forming.
• Dec. 17: Someone called at 5:05 p.m. to ask police to check the welfare of some guy wrapped up in blankets at the Courthouse bus stop who hasn’t moved for quite a while.
• Dec. 17: At 6:20 p.m. a citizen at Marsh and Santa Rosa said a plastered man had fallen out of his wheelchair near the bus stop. At 8, someone reported a man sitting in a wheelchair at Marsh and Santa Rosa, as apparently the poor fellow hadn’t rolled far.
• Dec. 17: Someone called at 8:35 p.m. to report a traffic hazard — a transient man sleeping across the Bob Jones Trailhead. The 53-year-old speed bump had a warrant and went to sleep in the Parkinson Plaza, just a slight improvement in the accommodations.
• Dec. 17: Employees at County Mental Health called at 10:12 p.m. to ask for a police walk-through after someone left the back door propped open, as apparently someone might be crazy enough to break into the booby-hatch.
• Dec. 17: Police responded at 4:55 a.m. to am/pm in the 12400 block of LOVR after some scoundrel made a Bee-double-e double-r u-n — Beer Run!
•Dec. 16: Someone reported vandalism at 7:32 a.m. by the elevator in the Marsh Street parking garage. Logs indicated he had eyes on the suspect but “is trying not to be seen,” as Secret Squirrel is on the case. Police deemed the call unfounded.
• Dec. 16: Police responded to the Old Mission Church where some blasphemous vandal painted the statue of Fr. Serra.
• Dec. 16: Police responded at 11:04 a.m. to the 3500 block of Empleo where some guy was trying to steal a trailer. Then at 11:06, someone called from Alamo Self Storage on Tank Farm Road and said he hired a friend to move his belongings and the friend had apparently absconded with them, as someone needs to pick better friends.
• Dec. 16: Someone called at 11:41 a.m. from Celeste Watters Office in the 1300 block of Morro reporting that a patient threatened to kill the receptionist when told she has to pay, as Obamacare’s hidden twists turn the screw again. Then at 2:05 p.m. SLOPD was asked to meet Morro Bay police at Sierra Vista for help with a combative woman prisoner.
• Dec. 16: A woman called police at 2:17 p.m. from Target and said she’d just taken a photo of someone parked in a “No parking” zone, because the apparent vigilante is tired of people who get away with things like this, in this week’s example of why we need SWAT.
• Dec. 16: Someone at Barnes & Noble on Marsh called at 3 p.m. to complain about some clown riding a bicycle around the plaza swearing at people. The 2-wheeled menace was cited and released for apparent boorish behavior.
• Dec. 16: Someone called at 4 p.m. from the 800 block of Islay to report a transient man sitting on the sidewalk rocking and chanting. At the same time, someone in the area of Monterey and Osos reported another model citizen flashing his buttocks and penis at people. The guy wasn’t arrested, as it was apparently not a big thing.
• Dec. 16: Police responded at 4:25 p.m. to Victoria’s Secret where they caught a woman shoplifter who tried to steal more than $400 in merchandise, no doubt equal to about four panties and a three bras.
• Dec. 16: Someone at Higuera and Garden called at 5:41 p.m. to report a man walking down the street wielding an ax and another with a golf club. Police couldn’t find ol’ Paul Bunyan and Bob Hope.
• Dec. 16: Someone at LOVR and Royal called at 7:30 p.m. to report a man dressed all in black walking in the street screaming, no doubt begging to get run over too. Then at 11:15, they were sent to the 100 block of South where some Rocky fellow was yelling, “Adrian!!!”
