Arroyo Grande
• Feb 13: A citizen’s arrest was made for battery on the 1400 block of El Camino Real.
• Feb 13: Some unlucky sot got arrested for possession of mail not addressed to them and of course public insobriety.
• Feb 11: An arrest was made for public intoxication on the 100 block of Ben.
• Feb 11: The district attorney requested information about a person found lying on the ground who was arrested for being three sheets to the wind.
• Feb 10: A woman on the 600 block of Asilo purchased a magazine from a door-to-door salesperson and apparently buyers remorse set in, so she reported it as suspicious.
• Feb 10: A juvenile smoking a cigarette refused to leave the high school campus after being told to do so several times by administration.
• Feb 10: Some brain trust was busted for possession of numerous items, some of which were determined to come from a locked storage unit. As if that wasn’t bad enough he was in possession of heroin, and, wait for it, he brought some of the drug into jail hidden in his shoe.

Morro Bay
• Feb. 13: Police responded at 6:25 p.m. to a disturbance in the 800 block of Front St. A 58-year-old bent fellow was arrested for using “offensive words to incite a fight,” which he likely would have lost because he was drunk as a skunk too.
• Feb. 13: Police responded at 4:49 p.m. to Avalon at Seaview for a rear end collision. Someone backed his or her car into another vehicle.
• Feb. 13: Someone reported an inebriated loudmouth at 1:09 a.m. at Trinidad and Main. Police contacted a guy who of course had a felony arrest warrant out of Texas. He was booked into the Parkinson Plaza awaiting the longhorn arm of the law.
• Feb. 12: Yet another toasted gent, 36, got too buttered at 7:19 p.m. in the 700 block of Morro Bay Blvd.
• Feb. 12: No one was hurt; indeed no one was involved in a traffic accident at 12:25 p.m. at Napa and the Boulevard. An unattended car rolled into a parked vehicle. Then at 1:50 p.m. at Allesandro and Kings was another fender bender. This time one driver failed “to yield the right of way to any vehicles approaching.” The road hog apparently wasn’t hurt.
• Feb. 12: Someone stole a tarp from a business in the 300 block of Quintana, no doubt the Dune-ites rebuilding their Spartan existence.
• Feb. 11: An 86-year-old lady reported being the victim of identity theft in the 1600 block of Main. No word on the depth of the scammer’s treachery. On Feb. 10, a man in the 200 block of Bradley said someone opened a checking account and two credit cards in his and his wife’s name.
• Feb. 10: Police responded at 12:49 a.m. to the 100 block of Kern for a crash. A 22-year-old rookie was taken to the hospital for treatment before being arrested for allegedly driving on a toot and having an accident, no doubt in his pants too.
• Feb. 8: Yet another swizzle stick was stirring up trouble at 10:13 p.m. in the 1200 block of Embarcadero. The 47-year-old snifter was tossed to the nick, thick as a tick.
• Feb. 7: At 6:19 p.m. police responded to the 1100 block of Embarcadero for a report of a train wreck of a fellow bleeding from facial lacerations. His caboose went to the roundhouse for his own safety, charged with getting derailed.
• Feb. 5: A disturbance was reported at 5:41 p.m. in the 700 block of Harbor and a 58-year-old stray fellow was popped for being bottled. Police contacted a man, 23, at 7:08 p.m. in the 400 block of Dunes and arrested the wastrel for suspicion of being high as the stacks on drugs.
• Feb. 5: A citizen in the 500 block of Atascadero Road reported a theft. Some horse’s a** stole a saddle and bridle out of the back of a truck sometime overnight.
• Feb. 5: Police responded to Front and Beach where a driver backed up and over a STOP sign planted in the street.
• Feb. 5: At 12:33 a.m. police contacted an apparently homeless man sleeping in City Park on Harbor. He was cited for illegal camping and released to no doubt check into the Sand Dunes Inn.
• Feb. 3: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at 2 p.m. in the 1000 block of Main. The driver, 24, hit the jackpot — DUI-drugs, possession of drugs, drug paraphernalia and no license. He went to jail and the car was impounded, which one will get out first?
• Feb. 3: Police contacted a suspicious man at 11 a.m. at Harbor and the Boulevard and arrested a 26-year-old man for possession of an illegal weapon. Ol’ Fred Flintstone had a club, Yabba-Dabba-Doofus…
• Feb. 2: Police arrested a man in the 800 block of Embarcadero for suspicion of boosting a car.
• Feb. 1: Police responded at 4:30 p.m. to Pacific and Bernardo for a disturbing fellow. They arrested a 60-year-old rummy for suspicion of being drunk enough to need a hospital. He was cited and released with a promise to appear. And appear he did, the very next day at 3:43 p.m. at Piney Way and the Boulevard where he was again cited for public intoxication. This time he went to the gaol.
• Feb. 1: Police arrested a 29-year-old master criminal at 9 a.m. in the 1700 block of Embarcadero for suspicion of illegal camping, possession of less than 1 oz., of the evil weed, possessing “burglary tools,” and having personal information “with the intent to defraud.” She was checked into the County B&B.

Pismo Beach
• Feb. 15: A “large” fight was reported at Harry’s and one person was reportedly pinned under a car. One arrest was made.
• Feb. 15: A caller on the 200 block of Surf reported seeing a man in the caller’s car in front of the house. The caller pretended that he was armed and told the guy to leave. The guy took off running and gave police the slip.
• Feb. 15: A man was snoozing in a sleeping bag between Rite Aid and the Nail Shop on the 500 block of Five Cities Drive. He was told to hit the road.
• Feb. 15: An ex-employee of a taffy store on the 700 block of Dolliver created a sticky situation by bothering the employees who still have a job.
• Feb. 15: Extra patrols were requested for apartments on the 100 block of Hinds after a window was broken out. The complex is mostly vacant and the caller thought that the person might have broken in to squat.
• Feb. 15: A man was walking around the California Fresh parking lot cursing and yelling. For some unknown reason, he then took his shoes off. Shoeless Jack was advised against trespassing.
• Feb. 15: A man on the first block of Gaviota was making threats and punching holes in the walls. He could have been drinking and had reportedly used his vehicle to block the caller’s car in so she couldn’t leave. He was counseled and no doubt given a copy of “How to Win Friends and Influence People.”
• Feb. 14: A graffidiot was told to remove his tag from the pier restrooms.
• Feb. 14: A water rescue was needed for someone in the ocean clinging to a pier pilling at about the middle of the pier. Surfers came to the rescue and got the person out of water and the ingrate took off running toward North Beach Campground.
• Feb. 14: An out-of-control bonfire was reported on the 100 block of Stimson and reportedly caught the porch on fire. People involved had been drinking, go figure.
• Feb. 14: A car was reported all over the roadway at Hinds and Price. The people in the car stopped at Pismo Beach Liquor and switched drivers. Both bar stools were taken to the ER for blood alcohol tests.
• Feb. 13: Two people were vomiting in the backseat of a car. They were able to get a hotel room for the night, but no doubt any back-seat shenanigans were put on hold.
• Feb. 13: A man on the 800 block of 4th Street wearing a bright construction vest was throwing sticks at cars.
• Feb. 13: Police were asked to check the welfare of a guest at the Hilton Garden Inn after an employee received a complaint about a naked man walking around the property. Medics were called in because the guy had intestinal problems, which really doesn’t explain the birthday suit. He was taken to the ER.
• Feb. 13: An aggressive solicitor in the 400 block of Ocean Blvd. was advised to get lost. A caller in the 400 block of Indio reported a different pushy guy at the door. And another rude door-to-door salesman was reportedly banging on the door and ringing the bell in the 100 block of Seacliff Dr. Police contacted the manager of the prowling passel of product pushers and informed him of the “No-soliciting” municipal code, and hopefully gave him a quick lesson in etiquette.

San Luis Obispo
• Feb. 17: Folks at the SLO Surgery Center in the 1300 block of Ella called at 6 a.m. because they were bleeding water from a burst pipe. Public Works was called to stitch up the problem.
• Feb. 17: Police responded at 3:17 a.m. to the 1800 block of Fixlini for a domestic disturbance. Logs indicated it was a “female roommate” vs. her “boyfriend.”
• Feb. 17: At 2:08 a.m. a fed-up citizen in the 500 block of Hathway complained about a loud, screaming party. Police determined there was no violation. At 2:28 a.m. they called back and said the screaming started back up even louder as soon as the police left. The tenant was cited, and finally had something to really scream about.
• Feb. 16: Police were called at 11:30 p.m. to the 1100 block of Montalban about a loud party on the patio of a place up the street. Logs indicated there were 20 revelers and they were advised to shadd-up already.
• Feb. 16: At 11 p.m. the clerk at 7-Eleven on Marsh reported some juvenile delinquent trying to steal hooch. The kid apparently got away, and has no doubt learned his lesson.
• Feb. 16: Someone in the 1700 block of Farrier complained about loud talking at 10:55 p.m. Officers were UTL, as they shut up when the cops showed up.
• Feb. 16: A citizen on Los Verdes called at 10:46 p.m. because there was a suspicious man by the gate. The barbarian was gone when they arrived.
• Feb. 16: A disturbance was reported at 9:30 p.m. in the 1200 block of Fredericks, a man and woman getting physical, and not in a good way.
• Feb. 16: A woman in the 900 block of West called police because she wanted her estranged husband to leave, she’d already thrown him out once, now it was the police’s turn. He apparently got the hint.
• Feb. 16: A trashed fellow at Mitchell Park twice called 9-1-1 to report a drunk, no doubt himself.
• Feb. 16: Someone complained about a bothersome transient mutt hanging around PetSmart on Froom Ranch Rd. He was gone before he could be collared.
• Feb. 16: A citizen called at 6:25 p.m. from the 1100 block of Morro reporting a crash-n-dash while he or she was using the ATM, man you turn your back for 1 minute…
• Feb. 16: Police responded at 5:07 p.m. to Higuera and High where a man crossing the street was hit by a car and knocked to the ground. The victim reportedly said that the driver stopped, offered him money to forget the whole thing, then sped off when refused. Police tracked down the alleged scoundrel in Cayucos and he was arrested. The victim suffered minor injuries.
• Feb. 16: Police were called at 4:40 p.m. to the 800 block of Marsh at CCS where a transient man in a wheelchair had gotten up and was apparently changing his duds, no doubt to pants that don’t stand up in the corner.
• Feb. 16: Police responded at 3:45 p.m. to the 11500 block of LOVR where someone stole from Laguna Smokes shop, no doubt a business hanging on by its butts in a no-smoking town.
• Feb. 16: Police responded at 3:51 p.m. to the Dollar Tree Store on Madonna where some transient man was in a row with the manager, and guess who’s going to win that one.
• Feb. 16: Police were called at 2:49 p.m. to the first block of Prado at the Homeless daycare center where a woman was yelling and wouldn’t leave when asked, which was no doubt what she was yelling about. Half an hour earlier, a stubborn transient man was refusing to leave the stairwell at the Palm Street parking garage.
• Feb. 16: At 1:39 p.m. police got a report of a man swilling swill out in one of the fields at Damon Garcia Park. Naturally, he had a warrant and was taken to contemplate a more private place to chug-a-lug.
• Feb. 16: A citizen at the Marigold Center asked police to check on a transient man dressed all in black who’d been sitting on Tank Farm Road for hours. Johnny No-Cash checked out fine. A citizen at Madonna and Lima reported a blonde haired man with no shirt, and dragging an ice chest on wheels was lying in the street. The speed bump was gone when officers arrived.
• Feb. 16: Police were called at 11:12 a.m. to a disturbance inside Target on LOVR. A man was inside the store yelling profanities, and dispatchers could hear him over the phone. First porn over the loudspeaker then obscenities in the aisles, when will the insanity end!?!
• Feb. 16: Police responded to Santa Rosa Park Skatepark for a vandalism-theft report. A plaque was taken, plants dug out of the flowerbeds and an electrical box cover was missing, proving once again people will steal anything.
• Feb. 16: Police responded to an abandoned vehicle in the 2100 block of Story, a trailered sailboat was parked in the street, so is it a shipwreck?