January
San Luis Obispo
• Jan. 19: A citizen called at 7 p.m. on Higuera at LOVR and reported a guy at the bus stop “flipping out” and screaming obscenities across the street from a church, no doubt upsetting all the church ladies. The sinner was gone, could it have been “SATAN!?!”
• Jan. 19: Police and fire responded at 7:30 p.m. to the 3200 block of Via Ensenada for a reported grease fire in an oven, no doubt time to eat healthier.
• Jan. 20: Police were called at 2:09 a.m. to Santa Rosa Shell where some thief gripped in an apparent nicotine fit stole cigarettes and lit one up right outside, before making his escape.
February
San Luis Obispo
• Feb. 4: Police were called at 11:39 a.m. to the 100 block of Higuera where some scoundrel stole a donut from Sunshine Donuts and was walking off. A theft report was begun, though hoping he chokes on it might have more satisfying results.
• Feb. 16: A citizen at the Marigold Center asked police to check on a transient man dressed all in black who’d been sitting on Tank Farm Road for hours. Johnny No-Cash checked out fine.
• Feb. 16: Police responded at 3:45 p.m. to the 11500 block of LOVR where someone stole from Laguna Smokes shop, no doubt a business hanging on by its butts in a no-smoking town.
• Feb. 16: A citizen on Los Verdes called at 10:46 p.m. because there was a suspicious man by the gate. The barbarian was gone when they arrived.
March
San Luis Obispo
• March 3: Police responded to a disturbance at 5 p.m. in the 3100 block of Camellia. Logs indicated a father gave his son an iPhone and then fought him for it.
• March 3: Police went wiki wiki to South and Higuera where some long-haired Hawaiian-looking Kanaka was standing on the corner exposing his ‘auwiniwini for all the world to see.
• March 3: Police were called at 5:53 p.m. to the 300 block of Pacific for a report of a naked transient man taking a bath in front of a business, which will drive away customers every time.
• March 17: At 11:13 a.m. a woman called to report two men whizzing off the second floor of the Marsh St., parking garage, on the Post Office side. They’d pissed-off before police arrived to teach them manners.
• March 17: Someone called at 11:30 a.m. to report five transient men and a woman were setting up camp outside the Vet’s Hall on Grand Avenue, no doubt wounded veterans of the war on poverty.
• March 31: Someone at Santa Rosa Park called at 4:45 p.m. to report eight hooligans on bikes had taken over the skateboard park — the Millennials’ version of “The Wild Ones.”
April
San Luis Obispo
• April 1: A citizen called police at 1:15 a.m. from a foot spa by 7-Eleven on Marsh to report some trashed fellow was watering the sidewalk with a short hose. The whizzer was arrested on what was his 25th birthday. Happy birthday to you… Happy birthday to you… Happy birthday you filthy, drunken, urinating, swine you… Happy birthday to youuuu!!!
• April 14: A burglar alarm sounded at 11 p.m. in the 900 block of California, tripping the alarm in the basement, then the kitchen. Some larcenous wienie had possibly broken into Frank’s Famous Hot Dogs, but it was a false alarm.
• April 15: A citizen called at 1:24 a.m. from the 3900 block of Higuera because his or her roommate’s father was sleeping in the backyard, an apparent case of being in the doghouse with your child.
• April 28: Some petulant whiner in the 1800 block of Vicente complained at 5:30 p.m. because all the parking was being taken up by soccer moms picking up their kids from practice.
• April 29: Police responded at 1:52 a.m. to the 700 block of Higuera for a disturbance at the oddly named Library (bar), as apparently “Shhh!!!” didn’t work.
May
San Luis Obispo
• May 20: At 9:45 p.m. police were called to French Hospital where a discharged male patient was refusing to leave, just show him the bill, he’ll run like hell.
• May 20: Police were called to the 1100 block of Laurel at Atoll Holdings, Inc., after a man chopped down their tree and then left.
• May 21: Stop the presses, at 1:55 a.m. someone reported a drunken woman outside Mo Tav in the 700 block of Higuera.
• May 26: A citizen in the 600 block of Palm at the Palm View Apartments said three suspicious men were sitting on a wall smoking a lil’ somethin’-somethin’, you know what I mean…
• May 27: A citizen in the 1900 block of McCollum reported at 2:43 a.m. that some ding dong had been pounding on his or her door for 30 minutes but was now gone. No word on why they didn’t call 30 minutes sooner.
June
San Luis Obispo
• June 10: At 12:44 a.m. some cockroach was reportedly trying to force his way inside a home in the 300 block of Hathway. He’d naturally vanished before police arrived.
• June 23: Police were called about a man going back and forth in the parking lot of the Prado Road Daycare Center, no doubt achieving new heights — trespassing at a homeless shelter.
• June 23: At 8:09 p.m. someone reported a man and woman having sex in a silver Chrysler parked at the Church of the Nazarene, no doubt performing a sexorcism.
• June 24: A man in the 1500 block of Johnson called at 12:40 a.m. and said he hears someone screaming and thinks it’s a transient, no doubt that tone of anger, resentment and hopeless sorrow in his voice.
July
San Luis Obispo
• July 7: Police were called at 5:22 p.m. and asked to check the welfare of a man laying up on the sidewalk across from Laguna Lake Golf Course, as he no doubt could be teed up. He was apparently given a mulligan.
• July 8: At 5 a.m. police responded to Denny’s on Madonna where someone suspiciously left a suspect suitcase by the front door sometime around 11:30 p.m. the night before. Apparently, it had clothes in it, as Denny’s would no doubt be a waste of a perfectly good bomb.
• July 21: Someone in Mitchell Park called at 7:44 a.m. and said a transient swine just whizzed in the bushes, no doubt doing his part to ease the drought.
• July 22: At 12:36 a.m., police were called to the 1800 block of Spooner for a report of a group of people trying to get into the gate of a home. They’d left, the gate apparently idiot proof.
August
San Luis Obispo
• Aug. 2: A citizen called at 10:34 p.m. from a home in the 400 block of Buchon to complain about a loud party that included a lot of cursing and chopping wood, which apparently disturbed his sawing logs.
• Aug. 2: A citizen in the 1100 block of Ironbark called at 8:53 p.m. to report several stoners smoking the evil weed in a parking lot and peering into cars. Logs indicated the caller was too scared to confront them, as no doubt they might have reefer madness.
• Aug. 17: Police were called to a report of trespassing in the 600 block of Higuera. Logs indicated a transient woman helped herself to a customer’s food at Oasis, no doubt having been raised by camels. She apparently pulled a chew-n-screw.
September
San Luis Obispo
• Sept. 1: A citizen in the 1700 block of Quail told police their hedge was cut 3-4 inches, in this week’s example of why we need SWAT.
• Sept. 1: A car was burgled overnight at Motel 6, as they no doubt didn’t leave enough lights on.
• Sept. 2: At 2:18 a.m. a citizen in the 400 block of Brizzolara said there was some apparent fitness nut on the back porch trying to use the treadmill. He was walked off to jail.
• Sept. 15: At 10:16 a.m. someone at the Palm Street parking garage reported a suspicious man with his pants down engaged in a possible solo sex act. Police couldn’t find ol’ Chester the molester.
• Sept. 29: Police were called at 4:56 p.m. to the area of Kentucky and Hathway for a report of a man in a black Lexus with his pants open exposing his shortcomings.
• Sept. 29: The folks at San Luis Obispo Donut Co., reported an obnoxious woman was harassing customers in line. Then at 10:28 a.m. the apparent same donut hole was loitering in their loo.
• Sept. 30: Someone called at 12:30 a.m. to report some sneaky Pete sneaking around Grace Church on Osos, checking the doors in the patio. He was gone, a case of trust in the Lord but lock the doors.
October
San Luis Obispo
• Oct. 13: Police got a call at 11:06 p.m. from a guy at the Marsh Street Post Office, who said, “Something is trying to force its way into his ear,” like an episode of Brain Dead.
• Oct. 13: Police were called at 6:38 p.m. to the 1200 block of Higuera for a guy passed out on a front lawn. The hellafied garden gnome was cited.
• Oct. 13: Police responded at 12:54 p.m. to Osos and Buchon for a non-injury crash. A City-owned truck reportedly ripped the door off a parked car and the door was lying in the street. A report was taken for the lawsuit to follow.
• Oct. 14: A citizen in the 500 block of Stanford called at 1:04 a.m. because a pissed woman walked in through an unlocked front door and went to the bathroom. The skulled boor, 22, was arrested, a case of when you’ve gotta go, you’ve gotta go…
• Oct. 27: The noise police were dispatched at 11 p.m. to the 700 block of Foothill for yelling coming from the Delta Upsilon Fraternity. A citation was issued and some frat boy took one for the team.
• Oct. 27: Police were called at 9 p.m. to the 800 block of Higuera where some transient man was draining the lizard by the front door. He’d zipped and skipped before they arrived to teach him some manners.
• Oct. 27: Police were called at 10 a.m. to Grand and Slack for a report of a man waddling about with his pants down. They couldn’t find the apparent flasher.
November
San Luis Obispo
• Nov. 9: At 2:21 p.m. in the 800 block of Higuera a man was running around the Apple Store refusing to leave, and worse than that — he apparently didn’t buy anything, which marks the difference between a customer and a trespasser.
• Nov. 9: A citizen called at 1 p.m. to report a woman lying on the ground by a wheelchair at Monterey and Pepper under the railroad bridge. Logs indicated she was cited for suspicion of being drunk off her rocker.
• Nov. 10: Police were called to a suspicious incident at 12:47 a.m. in the 2100 block of King. An elderly man was in the bathroom grunting.
• Nov. 22: Some bent pollywog was upsetting the lily pond at the Frog & Peach around 10:30 p.m. The tadpole, 46, was skinned for being croaked.
• Nov. 22: Police responded to a disturbance at 6:45 p.m. in the 2200 block of Lawton, as some sinner was drunk and disorderly at the Church of Christ, who BTW turned water into wine…
• Nov. 22: Police responded at 9:32 a.m. to the 100 block of High where some crazed transient man was acting erratically, yelling and doing drugs. Some 2 minutes later, the same fruit loop dingus was in the street at Higuera and High yelling, “You are white trash!” at passing cars.
• Nov. 22: Police responded at 7:30 a.m. to Osos and Peach for a vandalism. The driver’s side window was smashed on a car parked facing the wrong direction, a.k.a. a vigilante parking ticket.
December
San Luis Obispo
• Dec. 7: A theft was reported in the 1200 block of Archer leaving a frown on someone’s face at Smiling Dog Yoga.
• Dec. 7: Pol clld @ 4:30 to susp circs in 1300 blk Osos @ McDaniel Shorthand Reporters.
• Dec. 8: At 6:50 a.m. a guest in Rm. 113 said his car was burgled at the Courtyard Marriott on Calle Joaquin, as some scoundrel exerts the tourist tax.
• Dec. 8: Police were called at 2:30 a.m. by an irate citizen in the 2000 block of McCollum who said there’d been a loud suction pump running for the past 2 hours, which really sucks.
