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Police Blotter

The Best of 2014’s Police Blotters—By Theresa-Marie Wilson and Neil Farrell

Handcuffed SuspectOne of the favorite features of our readers is the weekly Police Blotter. These series of reports from various cities give some insight into the sometimes silly things that local police and sheriff’s deputies are called on to do in an area that thankfully, is largely free of actual serious crimes. So as a final send-off to 2014, we present the Best of the Police Blotters, as chosen by Theresa-Marie Wilson and Neil Farrell (who also write them). Enjoy.

JANUARY

Arroyo Grande
• Jan. 9: A caller thought they had seen a black or brown bear on The Pike. Police did not see any bear or a picnic basket for that matter in the area.
• Jan. 10: A man was reportedly stripping off clothes on the sidewalk in front of 7-Eleven and making obscene gestures at passing cars. Magic Mike was warned about having an open container of some sort or another.

Jan. 11: A man on James Way reportedly jumped out of a car with a rifle and entered the green belt area. The driver of the car was wearing rubber boots, glasses, and jogging shorts. Police caught up with the dynamic duo and issued a warning for what turned out to be a pellet gun. Hopefully, the fashion police were close behind with a warning for the driver.

Pismo Beach
• Jan. 16: Police were unable to locate a man reading a newspaper in a condo overlooking an elementary school playground. Apparently he’d violated some obscure municipal code against minding one’s own business.
• Jan. 21: A man was arrested after police were called to the Shore Cliff to check on him after he was in the bathroom for about 25 minutes. Perhaps prunes are in order.
• Jan. 22: A caller reported driving on the freeway when someone threw a bag of excrement on his vehicle, which is a really crappy way to commute to work.

San Luis Obispo
• Jan. 7: A citizen told police that he or she couldn’t remember where they left a Sandisk 32G memory card.
• Jan. 21: Someone called from the 900 block of Palm to report a guy in a sports jersey with the No. 7 on it was “acting disoriented.” If he were choking as well, he might’ve been a 49er.
• Jan. 22: Someone complained because a transient man had been camping down by Laguna Lake for two days and if he’d used his car, he’d have gotten three days to move.
• Jan. 22: A woman called at 7:30 p.m. to report that a man in a gray four-door BMW had driven by slowly with his hand around his “special purpose” exposing his shortcomings to her. Naturally, this occurred at Palm and Broad.

FEBRUARY

Los Osos
• Feb. 10: Deputies were asked to check the welfare of someone at 3:26 p.m. in the 900 block of Nipomo. They couldn’t find them, so great, now they’re lost too!?!

Pismo Beach
• Feb. 9:  Police were called out by Harry’s where four men were jumping a brick wall and a woman was lifting her shirt showing her brick house.
• Feb. 11: A caller reported a man sitting on the beach in some brush. If that isn’t odd enough he was under an umbrella with nothing on but a towel.
• Feb. 16: A woman selling sand dollars near the pier decided to take a nap on the boardwalk. She was advised to move along and no doubt questioned as to why she wasn’t as successful as her sister who sells seashells by the seashore.
• Feb. 17: A caller on the 800 block of Taft said that he had swept in front of his home and then the neighbor moved her car and swept her stuff in front of his yard. He swept it back. The neighbor then whipped out a leaf blower beginning decades of herbicidal actions.
• Feb. 24: A female student got busted smoking weed in the girls’ locker room at Judkins Middle School proving that not everybody knows that smokin’ ain’t allowed in school.

San Luis Obispo
• Feb. 6: Police went to the Albertson’s Shopping Center on Foothill where they said some juice weasel was outside a donut shop making a nuisance of himself. The 40-year-old glazed fellow was dunked in the County mug.
• Feb. 12: A citizen in the 200 block of Hermosa called at 11:05 p.m. to complain because mooing cows on the hill had been keeping him or her awake for the past two nights, a case of “Welcome to the sticks buddy.”
• Feb. 24: Police got a call at 8:30 a.m. from Higuera and Broad where someone said there was a transient man yelling at people walking by. Logs said it was “Some weird voodoo thing.” Ol’ chicken bones was gone when they arrived.
• Feb. 27: A citizen in the 1400 block of Phillips called at 6:33 p.m. to report a suspicious man. Logs indicated the only description was, “old, drunk and staggering,” which pretty much says it all. Police couldn’t find the stumblebum.

MARCH

Avila Beach
• March 25: Some chicken hawk burgled a coop in the 6100 block of Kestrel Rd., and ah-say, ah-say, deputy Foghorn Leghorn is on the case.

VehShowLos Osos
• March 12: A family feud erupted in the 1300 block of 15th at 5 p.m. Name the person who most likely went to the hoosegow… Survey says… junior!
• March 23: Sheriff’s deputies stopped a suspicious fellow out traipsing along at 2 a.m. at Los Olivos and Fairchild. The swizzle stick was shaken not stirred into a County bucket.

Morro Bay
• March 5: Police responded to a smoke shop in the 300 block of Morro Bay Blvd., where some apparent pothead stole a marijuana water pipe, and reefer madness begins to take hold.
• March 16: A guy in the 400 block of Kern said someone stole the handle off his refrigerator, proving once again that people will steal anything.

Pismo Beach
March: 2: Police were unable to locate a woman who was no doubt abashed because she was smashed and got her face bashed when she crashed the caller’s bicycle.
March 3: A portable toilet went on the lam on Bello Street. The runaway crapper had reportedly been in the area for a couple of weeks and did not appear to have a permit associated with it.
• March 12: A caller on Panorama at Shamrock reported a bird in cage with a sign on it that said “free bird.” The remaining members of Lynyrd Skynyrd were nowhere to be found.
• March 12: Some hammered guy refused to leave the front of Giuseppe’s and refused a cab. He was taken to Denny’s where drunks are part of their profit margin.
• March 15: Police were unable to locate transients using a shower at Pismo Creekside RV Resort. Obviously, they made a clean get away.

San Luis Obispo
• March 12: A fat, transient man with a “thick tuft of hair on the top of his head” like a mushroom was loitering at 12:23 p.m. at the Creamery in the 500 block of Higuera. Police had a chat with ol’ fungus head and sent him packing.
• March 12: A citizen in the 1600 block of Tanglewood called at 11:47 p.m. to report a strange man knocked on his or her door and asked for a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. He’d made like jelly and jammed before officers arrived.
• March 19: At 1:51 a.m., someone in the 100 block of Longview got quite a view of a naked man running down the street towards Slack. Police streaked to the scene but couldn’t catch the Flash.
• March 21: Someone reported a prowler at 1 a.m. in the 1300 block of Chorro scratching at one of the windows trying to get in (hey it worked for the cat). The 21-year-old Tomcat was taken to the County litter box to sleep it off.
• March 27: Someone called at 4:37 p.m. from Bubble Gum Alley because a transient man was actually being more disgusting than the walls.
• March 27: A citizen called at 8:23 p.m. to report several teen-aged boys were smoking pot and drinking beer across from Mission College Prep, yeah, they’re prepping for college alright.

APRIL

Los Osos
• April 18: Deputies stopped a suspicious bicycle rider at 12:50 a.m. in the area of LOVR and Fairchild but he was allowed to pedal on, Wayne.

Morro Bay
• April 5: Police responded at 1 p.m. to the 900 block of Embarcadero where a parked car jumped in front of a woman driver.
• April 8: Someone found a bag of crank in the parking lot at Rite Aid and turned it over to police to sniff out the situation.
• April 18: Police got a report at 9:22 p.m. of a fight at a bar in North Morro Bay and when they got there they found a guy with a fat lip, yeah but you shoulb hab seed da udder guy…

Pismo Beach
• April 5: A woman on the 600 block of Cypress appeared to have urinated. The caller said that she looked pregnant but when asked she said that she was just fat.
• April 10: A slowpoke in the middle of the road in front of the train station was trying to get a turtle off the street.
• April 19: A caller on the 600 block of Vista Pacifica said her neighbor walked by and spit on her car and called her foul names. He then threw a tennis ball at her and missed hitting his own wife for a new meaning of unforced error.
• April 22: Some pinhead at the Pismo Bowl refused to pay her bill. She couldn’t split before police arrived and had to pay up.

businesswoman - speak no evilSan Luis Obispo
• April 7: A citizen in the 3000 block of Augusta reported the theft of Vicodin back in November 2013, as apparently the fog of prescription meds finally lifted.
• April 9: Police got a report from a citizen in the 300 block of Tassajara who reported an ongoing problem with their pig neighbor who keeps throwing feces over the fence, a grand example of the kind of crap police have to deal with.
• April 10: Police got a call at 4:45 p.m. of a crazy man who stole a lighted candle running amok inside the Old Mission Church, who looked like he was under the influence of more than the Holy Spirit.
• April 17: Some whiner in the 1300 block of Ella complained because his car cover had a coffee stain on it.
• April 18: Police responded at 12:52 a.m. to the 600 block of Stanford after a woman said some weirdo had approached her window and taped a quarter to the glass with a Band-Aid.
• April 23: Police responded at 11:32 a.m. to the Madonna Inn where some homeless guy keeps prowling around. It was the second time in two days that presumably the same Phantom of the Inn had been reportedly upsetting the local one-percenters.
• April 30: A citizen called 9-1-1 at 9:34 a.m. from Trader Joe’s to report that he or she was “intentionally bumped” by another customer, reason No. 46 for getting a Taser.
• April 30: Police got a report at 12:23 a.m. of shots fired at the SLO Donut Shop in the 700 block of Foothill and the shooters had the parking lot blocked off, too. It was apparently a prank, as no one is crazy enough to try and block cops from the donut shop.

MAY

Cayucos
• May 13: Deputies stopped a suspicious vehicle at noon in the area of Hwy 1 and Cayucos Drive and made an arrest, a possible case of arrive on vacation — leave on probation.

Pismo Beach
• May 1: Police were unable to locate a possible drunk driver. The female driver was bleeding from her head after falling out of the car at 1st Stop Liquor, which was obviously not her first stop.
• May 6: A caller reported four people with backpacks sitting all day by the bathrooms on Addie Street. The caller thought that they might be setting up camp, apparently a day at the beach is not allowed anymore.
• May 18: Police were unable to locate the source of a report of “cats going crazy” on the 2300 block of Price Street. The female caller said that something was going on but that she couldn’t explain it. No doubt catnip was brought to the scene.
• May 21: A caller on the 1400 block of Ocean Boulevard reported that someone had called his cell phone three or four times in the last half hour. The caller didn’t answer it and didn’t know who was calling. Further, he didn’t want an officer to contact him. That pretty much ends another pointless 9-1-1 call

Morro Bay
• May 3: Someone found a camouflage backpack and boots by City Park, so we’re looking for a barefoot Rambo?

San Luis Obispo
• May 7: Someone called 9-1-1 at 9:54 p.m. from the 3500 block of Higuera because a Coastal Peaks Coffee van was parked in Coastal Peaks Coffee’s lot.
• May 8: Police were called at 3:55 p.m. to the 1000 block of Peach after a man wearing a Superman T-shirt barged into Dr. Demaris’ office. Police spoke to him before he went up… up… and awaaay!
• May 22: Police responded to Sports Authority in the 200 block of Madonna for a report that an employee had tried to steal cash eight times, as he clearly needs more training. A crime report for embezzlement was started.
• May 29: Someone called at 5:24 a.m. to report approximately 20 naked men “streaking” towards a nearby sorority house. Police couldn’t find them, as they no doubt shrank away.
• May 30: Someone at Taco Bell in the 3800 block of Broad called police because two freeloaders were using water cups to drink soda.

JUNE

Avila Beach
• June 14: Deputies got a report of fireworks going off at 10:46 p.m. on Cave Landing Road, at Pirate’s Cove Nude Beach. Four deputies responded but the whistling Petes got away. The same deputies popped over to a report of fireworks at 11:38 on Avila Beach Drive and again missed the finale. The hunt sparkled briefly when they stopped a vehicle at 11:58 on Avila Beach Drive at Ontario Road, but the call fizzled, and so the firecracker chase was apparently a dud.

Cayucos
• June 16: A disturbance was reported at 1:30 p.m. in the first block of St. Mary. And sweet Jesus, a second complaint came in at 5:54 and by God there was a third at 9:30. And thank the Holy Ghost, no arrests were needed. Amen.

Los Osos
• June 24: Deputies were alerted to a human dinghy floating on a sea of suds at 4:40 a.m. on Pasadena Drive. He or she went to the County B&B to sleep it off.
• June 18: Someone in the 700 block of LOVR reported vandalism at 3:20 a.m., as it apparently couldn’t wait ‘til morning. Deputies arrived to take a report at 3:42 p.m., so it apparently could wait ‘til after lunch.

Morro Bay
• June 6: Police responded to the 700 block of Embarcadero for a report of someone stealing fishing poles, proving the new adage that if you teach a man to fish he’ll eat forever, but just stealing what you want is easier.
• June 25: The store Dick at Albertsons Market caught a live one, as a 31-year-old sticky-fingered woman was arrested for suspicion of shoplifting, possessing drug paraphernalia and the devilish PC 666, theft with prior convictions. She was tossed into the hoosegow to contemplate the errors in her techniques.

Pismo Beach
• June 8: Police were unable to locate a man that a caller on the 300 block of El Portal said pulled out a “two-barreled pistol” on him and demanded money. The caller said that ol’ Jesse James might be a drug dealer with the rarest weapon on earth.
• June 29: Some slob who was reportedly pickled in front of the Cliffs and later face planted in a field was arrested.
• June 28: A recently fired employee at Wheel Fun Rentals reportedly pushed a current employee, which isn’t real fun at all. The pushy one was advised against trespassing.

San Luis Obispo
• June 18: Someone in Santa Rosa Park called at 11 a.m. because there was a naked man in the creek, no doubt fishing with a wiggly worm. The crack in the crick, was gone.
• June 19: At 1 p.m., someone at City Hall called 9-1-1 because a man there was going through withdrawals, though not from budget cuts.
• June 25: Some smooth talker called police at 10:56 a.m. to report that he was talking to a girl on the phone and she started to choke and then the line went dead, the 52nd way to leave your lover…
• June 26: Someone called police at 12:11 p.m. from outside Sears on Madonna because two donkeys were tied up outside for an hour and the jacka** owner was nowhere to be found.
• June 26: Someone called police at 6:50 p.m. from Broad and Higuera to report a man with a boa constrictor had set up a booth at Farmer’s Market without a permit. The sideshow sneak snaked off with his serpent in hand.

JULY

Avila Beach
• July 7: Deputies responded at 10:18 a.m. to Cave Landing Road and the Pirate’s Cove Nude Beach for a reported case of brandishing a weapon. No word on how big of a rod was brandished, snicker, snicker…

Cambria
• July 24: A grand theft was reported in the 800 block of Main and the Bobbies’ll ‘ave a jolly good time roustin’ the rotter.

Cayucos
• July 5: Suspicious circumstances were reported at 12:30 p.m. down by the pier. Some naughty boy got hauled to the county ATM, which collects, instead of dispenses, cash.

Los Osos
• July 14: Petty theft was reported at 2:52 a.m. in the 1600 block of 11th. Deputies took a crime report when they arrived at 3:14 p.m. now how’s that for service.

Morro Bay
• July 6: Police got an emergency call of an overturned skiff in the bay off the 500 block of Embarcadero with four people in the water. The Coast Guard responded and the four were apparently fished out of the bay. USCG then conducted a boating-while-tanked investigation on the dinghy operator. Meanwhile, at the scene, another suspected drunk driver backed his SUV into a parked MBPD patrol car. The Highway Patrol responded to investigate and determined no damage was done to either car and perhaps the unluckiest driver in the world hadn’t been drinking.
• July 24: Police responded to a hardware store in the 500 block of Atascadero Rd., where they arrested a 32-year-old man for suspicion of embezzlement, because Ace is the place with the sticky-fingered hard-waaare man…

Pismo Beach
• July 9: Guests at the Sea Crest Resort called the front desk asking for assistance because things were moving around the room by themselves. They no doubt had the mushroom special for dinner.
• July 18: A person on the 200 block of Five Cities Drive was vomiting. No further information was regurgitated.
• July 19: A man with a moustache, which narrows down the suspect pool, was cutting people off and speeding on Hwy 101. Speedy Gonzales got away no doubt exclaiming, “¡Ándale! ¡Ándale! ¡Arriba! ¡Arriba! ¡Epa! ¡Epa! ¡Epa! Yeehaw!”
• July 29: A man standing in the parking lot of an apartment complex in the 100 block of Boeker was wearing a blonde wig and high heels with nothing on from the waist down. The caller said she was unsure if she’d seen the family jewels or if the guy was merely scantily clad? Extra patrol was requested either way.
• July 29: A caller on the first block of Whitecap reported that someone may have entered her yard and sprayed her dog with something. The poor pooch was “throwing up and pooping and had a yellow substance on his face.”

San Luis Obispo
• July 1: A woman reported a prowler at 12:32 a.m. in the 600 block of Palm. Logs indicated a face was seen pressed against the bathroom window, which would scare the sh*t out of anyone.
• July 1: Police got a report from the SLO Swim Center pool on Southwood at 7:06 p.m. reporting that “low pH balance in the pool” was causing them to pull people out, though low pH beats a high pee-H every time.
• July 2: Police got a call at 4:23 p.m. from the 600 block of Higuera from someone who said a transient named “Simba” who was just “talking to a cat” when he or she allegedly grabbed their cell phone, the ol’ acting purrr-fectly crazy to throw ‘em off guard trick.
• July 9: A citizen in the 2000 block of Meadow called at 1:15 p.m. to report a couple doing the hunka-chunka behind her house. Police arrived for some coitus interuptus at 1:27 but were too late.
• July 10: A driver at Higuera and Osos called at 6:54 p.m. to report a suspected DUI driver almost hit several people and was having a hard time shifting gears. Police stopped the car but the let the driver go as they apparently weren’t drunk, just couldn’t drive a stick.
• July 23: Someone called at 11:46 a.m. from Morro and Marsh about an aggressive transient yelling in a restroom, who then left his soiled britches behind, like who hasn’t done that?
• July 23: Police responded at 2:44 p.m. to Taco Bell on Santa Rosa for a report of some wacko sitting against the back utility door masturbating. Logs indicated it was a false alarm, or perhaps a premature alarm.
• July 28: Police responded to Albertson’s in the 1300 block of Johnson after some transient man stole a jar of pickles. A store employee was following the pickle thief and police arrested the dill weed, who is indeed in a pickle now.
• July 31: Police got a complaint at noon regarding an anti-President Obama protester on the Hwy 101 overpass on Santa Rosa who was dancing around naked. And he thinks Obama should be impeached?

AUGUST

Avila Beach
• Aug. 3: Deputies responded to Avila for a report of two people dinning and dashing in the 200 block of Front St. They got arrested. While there, deputies came upon a drunk in the area of Front and San Francisco who also got arrested, quite the parlay — two cheapskates and a swizzle stick.

Cayucos
• Aug. 25: Deputies got a report at 4:08 a.m. of indecent exposure at 3rd and Pacific. According to logs they arrested some apparently nasty wanker.

Los Osos
• Aug. 5: Deputies responded at 12:33 p.m. to the 1900 block of Tapidero for an animal cruelty report. No word on what type critter the animal abused.
• Aug. 15: Deputies were asked to check the welfare of a suspicious person at 1 p.m. in the 1900 block of 13th. He or she was arrested, and has no doubt had more fun at the dentist.

Morro Bay
• Aug. 3: A man told police that some scoundrel stole the motor from his dinghy.
• Aug. 11: Police got a report of a reckless driver on Hwy 1 who was unable to stay in his lane and kept driving onto the shoulder. The potential drunken driver was contacted while pumping gas at the Mobil Station and the 88-year old was ordered to have his driver’s license re-examined, as he wasn’t drunk — just old.
• Aug. 16: Police got a call at 9 a.m. from the 700 block of Quintana where they said some perv exposed his dinky-winky.
• Aug. 25: A man reported his 16-year-old daughter as missing. Officers found the little impudent enchilada hanging with her saucy friends at Taco Bell.

Pismo Beach
• Aug. 19: A woman reported that her sister walks her dog around 6 a.m. in the Esparto area. A man approached her and asked if she was “looking for a good time.” He claimed to be a plumber from New York.
• Aug. 23: A drunken man in front of Hot Shots was yelling at a woman and punching the windows of a car. He was wearing a shirt that fittingly said, “Explosive” on it. He was arrested for being bombed.

San Luis Obispo
• Aug. 7: Police were asked at 1:30 p.m. to check the welfare of a man sitting outside Banana Republic in the 900 block of Higuera with his luggage strewn about and wearing only green boxer shorts. Police said he was OK, though a tad underdressed.
• Aug. 14: A burglar alarm sounded at 7:38 a.m. in the 1100 block of Orcutt at Unity Church. Human error was of course the cause, as God doesn’t need a pass code.
• Aug. 14: Police were called at 12:31 p.m. by County Mental Health and told to be on the lookout for one of their in-patients that reportedly jumped the fence and took off, a case of one flew over the coo-coo’s fence.
• Aug. 14: Police were called at 7:13 p.m. to the YMCA swim center on Southwood, where they said a man with a black hat and white shirt pulled his pants down and exposed his shortcomings.
• Aug. 19: And capturing the irony-of-the-day award — at 7:24 a.m. police got a complaint from the 100 block of Tank Farm Rd., of a homeless man sleeping in the entryway of Habitat for Humanity.
• Aug. 19: Police got a call at 2:28 p.m. from the 1100 block of Tank Farm Rd., of a man walking down the street with his penis dangling out of his pants. The caller said he’d just turned onto Islay. Police decided the call was unfounded, no doubt just taking little Willie out for some fresh air.
• Aug. 20: Someone called at 9:21 a.m. with a news flash that 20 dead fish were floating in Laguna Lake, as the lake lacks what fish need — water.
• Aug. 26: A citizen in the 500 block of Hill called at 6:47 p.m. to report a neighboring house was a “college house,” his first clue being six drunken idiots up on the roof.
• Aug. 28: A woman called at 4:23 a.m. from the 2100 block of Florence and said she’d just gotten home and found a man in her garage, and the suspect apparently ran off. To which her mom will no doubt ask, “Where were you ‘til 4 in the morning?”

SEPTEMBER

Avila Beach
• Sept. 14: Someone called at 11:08 a.m. to report animal cruelty at San Miguel and Avila Beach Dr. A second cruelty call came in at 5 p.m. at San Luis and Front Sts., as the beach tends to make some animals lose their minds, and dogs like it too.
• Sept. 18: Someone reported an odd duck quacking about on Canvasback Pl.

Cambria
• Sept. 25: Vandals struck in the 1000 block of Main, which is good for 20 lashes in Singapore.

Morro Bay
• Sept. 9: Police went to the aptly named high school at 3:12 after they caught a 15-year-old pothead in possession of the evil weed, a case of don’t ya’ know to smoke AFTER school boy? The Los Osos lad was cited and released to his no doubt proud parents.
• Sept. 12: Police contacted another suspicious subject cruising down the Boulevard at Shasta Ave., and tossed the 26-year-old transient tosspot into the County melting pot for being butt toasted.
• Sept. 26: Police did a little night fishing at Lila Keiser Park at 1:36 a.m. and hooked up a couple of keepers for warrants. They were taken to the County B&B for a descaling and fileting.

Pismo Beach
• Sept. 1: Police checked on someone under the boardwalk. They were OK and were apparently just having some fun, under the boardwalk, down by the sea-e-e, yeah…
• Sept 21: A 24-year-old man dislocated his hip halfway down the beach access stairs behind the Tides Motel. Apparently the stairs aren’t very accessible after all.
• Sept. 27: Two people sleeping behind Golden Donut were told to hit the road, no doubt to make room for more police officers.
• Sept. 27:  A fight broke out at Spyglass Park. One caller reported that her friend might have a broken jaw, which can happen when you lead with your chin.
• Sept. 28: A fisherman and a surfer got into a spat over water rights at the pier. Surfers were told to stay 100 feet from the pier. Meanwhile, Pacific Wildlife Care was called out to help a seagull with a fishhook in its mouth that apparently missed the 100-foot warning, too.

San Luis Obispo
• Sept. 3: A citizen in the 400 block of South called at 12:46 a.m. to report a raccoon was stuck in a storm drain and was screaming. The masked weasel was gone when officers arrived. Then at 2:48 a.m. someone in the 300 block of Broad reported a man was screaming, no word on whether he too was stuck in a storm drain, or had simply drained a bottle.
• Sept. 4: A man called police to say his mother was acting strangely. She was angry but reserved, which apparently scared him.
• Sept. 11: And in news from Little Italy… La policia dey go to Louisa’s’s Place for some crazy momma-luke making like he’s a maniac o’ someting. He’s a yellin’ and a screamin’ and da officeria dey tell ‘im to a shadd-up already.
• Sept. 11: Police were called at 2:11 p.m. the 1400 block of Royal where a tenant said a non-resident was using the washer and dryer, and now you know why we need SWAT.
• Sept. 11: A horde of union agitators showed up on Elks Lane and naturally, police were called. Fifteen “protesters” were blocking the entrance to the Elks Lodge, which is good work if you can get it, though probably not a union gig.
• Sept. 16: Police responded at noon to Firestone Grill on Higuera after someone called and said he or she was eating outside and asked this person who was smoking to move away from them and was apparently huffed, puffed and rebuffed, a hanging offense in San Loco.
• Sept. 16: Police got a 9-1-1 call at 10:17 a.m. from Holiday Inn Express in the 1800 block of Monterey. Dispatch spoke with a desk clerk who told them, “It’s the ghost room problem,” a clear case for Peter Venkman.
• Sept. 17: Police responded at 11:20 a.m. to a bus stop in the 1000 block of Orcutt for an assault, which might explain why people don’t ride the bus.
• Sept. 22: Police were called to the 1600 block of Hillcrest because a lazy and apparently illiterate man had been sitting under a “No Trespassing” sign for 4 hours.
• Sept. 23: A citizen called to report a red Prius parked for a week on Farmhouse with the license plate “42MPATHS” in a tow away zone, as apparently the psychics didn’t sense that one coming.
• Sept. 24: Someone in the 1500 block of Cordova reported a pit bull dog had been left in a vehicle for three days, and people wonder why they get vicious.
• Sept. 30: Police were sent at 9:38 a.m. to the 700 block of Higuera outside Fanny Wrappers’ lingerie shop where some transient man was standing on the corner yelling, his panties no doubt in a bunch.
• Sept. 30: Someone in the 1700 block of Osos called at 8:48 p.m. to report loud noise coming from the Kappa Kappa Gamma Sorority house. Logs indicated there were some 100 girls there, no alcohol was found, and they cited a 19-year-old sister for a noise violation — chanting. At 10, they went to another loud, sorority house chant fest, in the area of Grand and Abbott. No alcohol was found, there were about 50 girls, and again one was picked to win the noise ticket lottery, as those sorority sisters are real wild and crazy.

OCTOBER

Cambria
• Oct. 2: A grand theft had folks seeing red in the 2300 block of Green.
• Oct. 8: Deputies stopped a suspicious vehicle at 6:14 p.m. in the 800 block of Main, and the apparently stuffed scarecrow was hauled to the County cornfield awaiting a brain.

Cayucos
• Oct. 10: Some scoundrel burgled a car parked at the Estero Bluffs Park natural area on Hwy 1 at San Geronimo Road, as a love of nature meets human nature.

Los Osos
• Oct. 1: Someone in the 1600 block of 4th had his or her identity stolen and we have no idea who they are now.
• Oct. 19: Someone reported some suspicious joker at 7:12 a.m. in the 1300 block of 2nd. The clown was whisked off to the funny house, no foolin’.

Morro Bay
• Oct. 3: Now here’s a new one, police documented a “general incident” at 3:12 p.m. on Shasta Avenue of a “Vehicle vs. Asphalt” crash, as some folks are just accidents waiting to happen.
• Oct. 5: Police contacted a man at 2:30 p.m. in the 1100 block of Front St., and arrested the fooligan for suspicion of being under the influence of drugs, and possession of paraphernalia, as the Fruit-Loop Dingus’ stash had apparently already gone up in smoke.
• Oct. 10: Police arrested a sticky-fingered man in the 1600 block of Main for suspicion of petty theft with a prior conviction for petty theft, a violation of the space-time continuum.
• Oct. 12: At 8:13 a.m. police were sent to Albertson’s for a disturbance in the parking lot. A man told officers that some unknown ruffian had threatened to shoot him and then threw a block of cheese at his arm, an apparent case of assault with a deadly snack food.
• Oct. 16: Police responded at 7 a.m. to Del Mar Elementary as some scoundrel had burgled the school overnight, a case of do you know where your hooligans were?
• Oct. 18: Police were called at 7:54 p.m. to the 400 block of Morro Ave., where an unknown crispy carnivore left a nylon bag containing a bottle of Captain Morgan’s and raw meat.
• Oct. 21: At 1 a.m. police contacted a man camping in the 800 block of Quintana and naturally, the squatter, 42, had an out-of-county warrant. He was cited and released, under the new catch-n-release job security program.

Pismo Beach
• Oct. 5: Things were jumping on the 200 block of Wadsworth. A man and woman were fighting and the woman threatened to jump off the balcony. When she was attempting her descent, the man pulled her back. When police arrived it was determined that it was a family fighting and they were getting ready to leave the area, no doubt before they kill each other.
• Oct. 12: Some bundle of joy tried kicking in a neighboring room a Motel 6. When that didn’t work she tried another room. She was mad because her room key didn’t work, as it was apparently idiot proof.
• Oct. 14: A caller reported a driver was drinking Budweiser on Hwy 101, which isn’t very wise, Bud.
• Oct. 21: Some uncouth guy on 300 block of Wilmar was smoking a cigarette and urinating in public, which is a two-handed job. Police located him taking a stroll on the beach and hauled him off to jail.

San Luis Obispo
• Oct. 2: Someone reported a tipsy fellow at 8:07 a.m. at Broad and Marsh and the 51-year-old regular customer had some bench warrants and was of course three sheets past a full deck.
• Oct. 2: Police went at 8:53 a.m. to the 1000 block of Higuera at Black Horse Espresso for a transient man in the patio who wouldn’t giddy-up when asked. At the same time across town at McDonald’s they had some Big Mac refusing to leave, who of course turned McChicken when police were called.
• Oct. 2: Police were called at 8:38 p.m. to Sierra Vista Hospital because an elevator was stuck up at the colonoscopy lab. Police turned that crap over to hospital maintenance.
• Oct. 5: It’s either a dream come true or a nightmare, but the traffic signals at Santa Rosa and Marsh were simultaneously green in all directions.
• Oct. 5: A woman called police at 9:17 p.m. from Hathway at Carpenter to report a man with binoculars looking into a neighbor’s window. The brazen peeper beat it before police arrived. And speaking of pervs, at noon the Apple Store on Higuera reported some Sheldon was getting a big bang out of watching porn on their gadgets and won’t leave, a case of “It isn’t logical. If I want to test their products, I should be able to test it on what I want to watch…”
• Oct. 6: The clerk at 7-Eleven on Marsh called at 8:45 a.m. to report an irate woman came in and threw an apple at him or her. The 31-year-old wildcat was arrested for resisting arrest and battery, for an apple a day might keep the doctor away, but pitching one brings the cops every time.
• Oct. 13: Someone at a mattress store in the 1100 block of Roundhouse reported a transient man was sleeping on a discarded mattress on the side of the building, a case of if you leave it, he will come.
• Oct. 14: Police were called at 1:31 p.m. to Whole Foods Store on Froom Ranch Road where some apparent narcissist filming himself with a video camera was very agitated, yelling and screaming. Ol’ Cecil B. Demented split before cops called it a rap.
• Oct. 14: A citizen called at 3:26 p.m. to report a guy walking towards Eto Park with a rope around his neck, as he or she no doubt thought he might be intending to hang around the park. Police couldn’t find him.
• Oct. 14:  A motion alarm at the planning department counter at City Hall went off at 2:36 a.m. Human error was the cause, no word on whether the city council has refused to hire an independent investigator to confirm that nothing happened.
• Oct. 22: Police were called at 8:33 a.m. to Emerson Park after they found a transient man passed out where they’d just applied bug spray, an apparent case of using the wrong pesticide.
• Oct. 29: Police were called at 2:05 a.m. to the 2000 block of Chorro for some type of loud, drunken “Cheerleading.” Police advised a man and four pom-poms that the pep rally was over.

NOVEMBER

Avila Beach
• Nov. 5: At 12:11 p.m. at 1st and Avila Beach Dr., a bomb scare was a dud, as blowing up Avila would be the waste of a perfectly good bomb.
• Nov. 10: Deputies were called at 11:40 a.m. to the 1200 block of Avila Beach Dr., to check the welfare of some shady character. He or she was arrested, so from one to 10 today was probably a minus-two.

Cambria
• Nov. 3: Grand theft was reported in the 6300 block of Moonstone Beach Dr., and no doubt Deputy Dawg’s, a gonna git dat mush-grat!

Cayucos
• Nov. 4: Deputies responded at 2:30 a.m. as some a** on Cass was talkin’ trash. He or she (probably he) went to the nick to sleep it off.

County Jail
• Nov. 10: The crime lab boys returneth, this time carrying away 15 jars of irrefutable evidence of guilt or innocence.

Los Osos
• Nov. 10: A burglary was committed in the 1400 block of 7th. No word on witnesses, as neighbors may spy on each other incessantly, but no one ever sees the burglars.

Morro Bay
• Nov. 3: Police contacted a woman in the 900 block of Morro Bay Blvd., at 8 p.m. and arrested her for suspicion of possessing drugs, holding medicinal weed without a medi-mota card, and perhaps most seriously, possession of an allegedly stolen shopping cart. The master criminal was tossed to the nick.
• Nov. 4: Police responded to a liquor store in the 300 block of Atascadero at 12:55 p.m. after some she devil grabbed a bottle of hooch, jumped into a car and put the place in her rearview.
• Nov. 7: A citizen in the 1400 block of Teresa left his or her vehicle unlocked and some scoundrel ransacked it, taking a wallet, jewelry, a USB cable, a credit card and even a pair of shoes.
• Nov. 7: At 3:57 p.m. in the 500 block of Quintana, police contacted a transient man who they then arrested for suspicion of making threats to an officer, the ol’ sticks-and-stones retort having been tossed aside.
• Nov. 7: A caller on the 100 block of Boeker reported eating two brownies possibly laced with cocaine. He had a rapid heart rate and was vomiting. Medics were called to the scene.
• Nov. 12: Some unhappy harpy was throwing all of her things out of an apartment and breaking items. She refused to talk to police, so they left after confirming that she was OK. Not long after, another call came in reporting that the woman had slapped the caller’s husband and was throwing things at him now. County Mental Health was called in.
• Nov. 17: Police responded at 4:11 p.m. to the 2900 block of Sandalwood for a report of two swine guzzling booze and using the bushes for a toilet. A 20-year-old was arrested for minor in possession of hooch and a 21-year-old was cited and released for open container, and in a month he’ll no doubt have a warrant.
• Nov. 21: A business in the 500 block of the Boulevard said someone stole a $40 watch the day before, hardly worth the risk of doing time.

Pismo Beach
• Nov. 17: A man, possibly high on something, was reportedly defecating on a dumpster at the Outlet Center. He had feces all over him following his personal outlet. He was advised against trespassing, the least of his worries.
• Nov. 19: A mother and daughter on the 600 block of Joyce got into a spat when the daughter found out that the mother had been taping her doing you-know-what. The issue was resolved, but keep an eye on You Tube.
• Nov. 23: A man with duct tape covering his mouth was protesting something in front of Splash Café. He was advised to move on, to which he no doubt responded “Hmmfgrgh.”
• Nov. 24: A caller reported an old man staggering on the 1100 block of Price wearing a coat, shorts and one shoe.
• Nov. 24: At the request of her boyfriend’s family, a woman went to check on him in the 2000 block of Costa Del Sol. When she showed up at his house he was standing naked at the front door and yelled at her to leave. The poor naked guy was suffering from PTSD.

San Luis Obispo
• Nov. 5: A citizen called at 5:05 a.m. from Johnson and Lizzie and said he or she had just hit a deer and a guy came up with a knife and said he was a hunter… As road kill’s a delicacy in some states.
• Nov. 5: Someone in the 500 block of Dana reported a car was parked in front of a hydrant with the license plate, “JOOWISH.” And “joo-best-move-it.”
• Nov. 6: A citizen in the 2100 block of Huton had a real howdy-do morning, when at 7:25 he or she found a transient man curled up in a blanket in their backyard, a case of “Mildred, we gots to get us a dog!”
• Nov. 6: A citizen called at 12:23 a.m. from Morro and Pacific to report a red Mustang in a parking lot with someone having sex in the car. Their first clue a pair of women’s shoes lying by the door. Police arrived 10 minutes later and of course the deed was over by then.
• Nov. 7: Some poor schmoe called 9-1-1 at 12:30 a.m. from the 1000 block of Chorro and said someone took $1,000 off of him. Perhaps it was the bartender, as the 40-year-old besotted fellow was arrested.
• Nov. 13: County Mental Health called at 9:37 a.m. from the first block of Tassajara to have police check someone’s welfare. Then at 10:07 CMH called again because there was a fellow there who wanted to check himself in but his blood alcohol was .25%, apparently too drunk for the loony bin.
• Nov. 13: At 10:27 a.m. someone at Morro and Pacific reported hearing screams coming from the women’s public restroom, with grunts and farts no doubt coming from the men’s. Police found nothing wrong.
• Nov. 19: A woman in the 900 block of Felicia told police that a truck driving down Tank Farm dropped some of its items in her front yard, a case of why Lord couldn’t it be a Brinks truck?
• Nov. 20: Someone called 9-1-1 at 1:07 p.m. from Bev Mo on Froom Ranch Road because some transient in the parking lot was cooking breakfast.
• Nov. 20: Police were called to French Hospital because a discharged patient was refusing to leave, nothing that showing him the bill mightn’t cure.
• Nov. 21: A man in trailerwood in the 500 block of Higuera called at 2:17 a.m. to report some goofball was in his front yard yelling and screaming. The town crier was gone. At 5:10 a.m. in the 700 block of Marsh, a man was in the alley yelling about the CIA and the “mission…” Officers had a chat with agent double-o-zero.
• Nov. 25: Someone in the 200 block of California called at 9:24 a.m. and said the frat house “is making the whole bock smell.”
• Nov. 25: A man called at 10:33 a.m. from the 600 block of Tank Farm and said a “deranged, lunatic, psychopath” was threatening him. No report was done, as apparently the guy’s mostly a BS’er.
• Nov. 25: Police were called at 6:39 p.m. to Albertsons on Johnson for an unresponsive man slumped over behind the wheel of a car with a needle sticking out of his arm (you really can’t make this up folks). The 24-year-old apparent hype was arrested for suspicion of being fuzzucked up on drugs.
• Nov. 26: A woman in the 1300 block of Nipomo called at 12:41 a.m. and said an unknown subject opened her bedroom door, shined a flashlight in her room and then ran off, apparently not liking what he saw.

DECEMBER

Cambria
• Nov. 28: A disturbance was reported at 11:35 a.m. in the 6600 block of Moonstone Beach Dr. An arrest was made when they got there at midnight, how’s that for service, eh?

Los Osos
Dec. 10: Someone called at 3:18 a.m. to report a suspicious subject sneaking around the 300 block of LOVR. He was of course gone when deputies arrived at 3:24 p.m., shoot a dune snail could have gotten away.

Morro Bay
• Dec. 12: Police contacted a disorderly fellow at 10:55 a.m. in the 900 block of Embarcadero and discovered he had a warrant, so off to the nick he went, for as Confucius never said, “When man have warrant, best to keep big mouth shut.”
• Dec. 14: Police rolled at 11 p.m. to the 400 block of Orcas for a woman causing a scene. Logs indicated they arrested a 42-year-old hellcat for suspicion of being three sheets past a snoot full in public.

Pismo Beach
• Dec. 5: At 7:51 a.m., A caller on the 1600 block of Costa Brava reported that his ex-girlfriend was three sheets to the wind after drinking a bottle of vodka earlier. She refused to leave. It was agreed that she could stay until a friend cam to pick her up. At 8:33 a.m., the guy called back to report that little Miss Fatal Attraction had punched him in the groin a few times.
•  Dec. 9: A man wearing a cowboy hat was walking around the Shell Café pointing at employees like he had a gun. No arrest was made, as ol’ Tex was apparently not loaded.

San Luis Obispo
•Dec. 4: Police responded at 1:11 p.m. to the 2900 block of Augusta after the break-in alarm went off at Break Through Ministries. Human error was the cause, but they will no doubt be forgiven.
• Dec. 4: A citizen in the 4500 block of Wavertree said a remote controlled drone helicopter crashed in his or her front yard and burst into flames, and let’s hope they find the little black box.
• Dec. 4: A citizen called at 11:30 a.m. from the 3300 block of Bullock who said she was the caregiver for a man or woman who “deceased” that morning and her relatives were already at their home, no doubt dividing up the spoils before the poor chap is even cold.
• Dec. 11: Police got a call at 11:53 a.m. from Santa Rosa Shell about a transient man who is having trouble keeping his pants up, and he’s not wearing any underwear. Police couldn’t find the Copertone Kid. In an unrelated call, at 12:05 p.m. there was a boozer sitting at Higuera and Madonna with a tall boy beer talking to himself, and no doubt he still doesn’t make any sense.
• Dec. 11: A woman called police at 5:32 p.m. from Marsh and Morro who believed a group of people were selling drugs, this after she heard them talking about “grams,” no doubt because only drug dealers use the metric system.
• Dec. 12: Someone called at 12:17 a.m. from Domino’s on Foothill because there was a drunken fool inside arguing with the employees. The cheesy crust was tossed into the County oven to stew a while. Then at 1:09 a.m. someone reported a McDingus inside McDonald’s cursing and making a McFool of himself. He was McGone when Chief Big Mac arrived to cook his fries.

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