Arroyo Grande
• Jan. 26: A caller on the 2500 block of Lancaster reported that a woman, possibly with mental problems, was knocking at their door. The woman was dressed all in black and making threats. She also said that she knew the caller was hiding someone that she was looking for. The twisted ninja was gone when police arrived.
• Jan. 24: A caller on Station Way reported being in an altercation with someone over wasting water, and the war over blue gold continues.
• Jan. 23: A caller on the 1100 block of Branch reported a man strolled out of Walmart with a free pair of shoes. When the caller tried to stop the thief, he threw a shoe at him. The guy then hopped into a mobile home and drove off.
• Jan. 23: A caller reported that she was in a hotel room in Arroyo Grande after three or four people picked her up somewhere. She kept saying, “Oh God, they’re coming!” She said that she didn’t know where she had been picked up from but that she lives in the Santa Barbara area. She then said, “I don’t want to die this way.” It turns out the poor woman was at the hospital and hopefully everything was okay.
• Jan. 22: A caller on the 800 block of Turquoise Dr. reported a theft of receipts from his bedroom. The caller was in the process of a filing a labor claim and believed the theft was associated with it, in this week’s episode of “Conspiracy Theater.”
County Jail
• Jan. 26: Folks at the crime lab said “Come on Down!” you’re the next eight lucky contestants on the P-test is Right (or wrong)!
Los Osos
• Jan. 29: Some scalawag burgled a home in the 2400 block of Sea Horse Ln.
• Jan. 28: Some hooligan apparently went on a little theft spree hitting two homes in the 2500 block of Bay Vista, 2000 block of Willow, twice in the 2400 block of Tierra, 2500 block of Via Vistosa, and the 1100 block of Bayview Heights. Not all the calls turned into crime reports, as sometimes ya just gotta say, “What the heck” and move on.
• Jan. 26: Deputies stopped a suspicious pedestrian at 3:40 a.m. and issued him or her an apparent WIP — walkin’ in public — ticket, as they were no doubt out late rather than up early.
• Jan. 26: Deputies paid a call on an old friend in the 1200 block of 1st and he or she went to the hoosegow for an appointment with the judge.
• Jan. 24: Someone reported a rotten Johnny traipsing about at 4:25 a.m. in the 800 block of Santa Ysabel. He was gone and no doubt forgotten when deputies arrived at 4:41, as sometimes it’s better to fade away than to burnout.
Morro Bay
• Jan. 17: Police contacted a likely suspect hanging around a closed business at 10:43 p.m. in the 700 block of the Boulevard. They arrested a 28-year-old master criminal for suspicion of being higher than the Rock, possessing drugs and of course probation violation.
• Jan. 16: Someone found a bicycle in the 1100 block of Main. Another bike was found in the 1200 block of Embarcadero. Police rode them into impound. They also impounded a vehicle parked for several months on Panay and an unregistered travel trailer on Quintana for not giving the DMV its pound of flesh.
• Jan. 16: Folks at Rite Aid reported a thief in their grips. A 49-year-old Fagan was cited and released for petty theft, a FTA no doubt in his future.
• Jan. 15: A business in the 300 block of Morro Bay Blvd. reported a burglary. Police discovered two others that were also burgled. Logs said there are no leads, outside that there’s an apparent fungus among us.
• Jan. 14: Someone reported a woman walking in the middle of the road in the 1500 block of an unnamed street. Logs indicated she was a “5150,” because hey, walking in the middle of the street is clearly bonkers.
• Jan. 13: A disturbance at 6:39 p.m. in the 2800 block of Birch brought the Mounties. A 31-year-old rabble-rouser was tossed to the nick for obstructing an officer, a.k.a. mouthing off and disobeying, and suspicion of being high on drugs, which explains a lot.
• Jan. 13: Someone entered a business in the 200 block of MBB and reportedly battered the business owner, who’d caught the person allegedly stealing. Logs indicated the suspect was a special-care patient at a local home apparently run amok. The man or woman was returned to caregivers and the incident apparently forgiven. In an unrelated matter, someone in the 2600 block of Coral said he or she was bitten by a dog.
• Jan. 11: And in the category of “Busted” — police caught two sozzled teen hooligans at 12:46 a.m. in the 2600 block of Greenwood in possession of alcohol. They were turned over to their proud parents and a report will be sent to the inquisitors.
• Jan. 9: Someone found a surfboard at Ridgeway and Kern. No word on whether there was Sex Wax rubbed all over it.
• Jan. 9: Police arrested a local woman for suspicion of mental or emotional child abuse. Mommy Dearest was booked into County Jail.
• Jan. 8: At 1:12 a.m. police went to a disturbance in the 1000 block of Main. A 22-year-old man was arrested for suspicion of violating a restraining order, resisting arrest and being squiffed in public, which explains a lot. The fractured fellow went to the hoosegow to rethink his strategy.
• Jan. 6: Police responded at 11:31 p.m. to Domino’s Pizza in the 2300 block of Main for a reported armed robbery. Logs indicated there were two suspects, cash was stolen from the register and safe, and a dark, unknown type handgun was the weapon used.
• Jan. 6: Police contacted a 27-year-old woman in the 2400 block of Elm, who was allegedly high on drugs at 7:18 a.m. She was cited and released to no doubt go replenish her stash.
Pismo Beach
•Jan. 26: A caller on the 100 block of Oceanview asked police for help getting a sick dog to the vet. The number the caller left for police was no longer working when they called back. When police caught up with the caller, they discovered the poor dog couldn’t stand up due to possibly broken legs. Animal reg came and helped get the dog downstairs and to remove another two dogs in the house. County Mental Health was called in for an evaluation after police discovered that the man had written all over the walls in the home, an apparent not-so beautiful mind in the flesh.
•Jan. 26: Some good citizen found $1,000 in the parking lot at the Pismo Beach Athletic Club and turned it over to staff, who turned it over to police when they couldn’t find the wallet the cash belonged in.
•Jan. 26: A caller requested extra patrols because a guy had been at her back door who said he was “Steve from Jack of all Trades” and was there to fix a leaky roof she apparently didn’t know she had, and hadn’t hired a repair job.
•Jan. 26: A man in his 60s had reportedly been asked to leave the Shell Beach Shell Station. On his way out, he told the cashier that he was going to shoot him. While driving away he mimicked shooting the cashier with his hands, and thankfully his finger was apparently unloaded, though he may not have been.
• Jan. 25: A messed up woman was leaving Hot Shots claiming that she was going to drive her sloshed self home. She was turned over to a sober party.
•Jan. 24: A fight broke out at the Moose Lodge where 200 people were attending an event. The instigator was a biker-looking dude in a Hawaiian shirt. The caller said ol’ Donnybrook Ho tried to start three fights. No injuries were reported.
•Jan. 24: A caller on the 100 block of Silver Shoals reported that the new neighbor had a truck parked in the driveway with a door left open, which apparently could only be closed by police. Everything checked out okay.
•Jan. 24: A caller on the 2100 block of Shoreline reported about 10 cars with multiple people drinking out of red cups (red solo cup, I fill you up). The homeowner said that he would make sure the boozers either stayed the night or got a sober ride home.
•Jan. 24: A caller on the 100 block of Cliff reported that an adult man had locked himself in a room with a knife and was attempting to hurt himself. His mother was trying to take the knife away, and the caller was locked in another room with a pit bull. The guy with the knife was detoxing on methadone. He calmed down when police arrived.
•Jan. 24: A caller reported that a bouncer at Harry’s had thrown him out onto the sidewalk. While he was waiting for police, someone asked “How ya doin’?” and then punched him in the face.
• Jan. 23: State Parks took over a call about a pit bull off leash on the beach. The dog had grabbed a child’s toy, no doubt good for seven years probation in dog years.
• Jan. 23: An argument was reported between a man and a woman at the Beach House Inn. The two had been drinking and the woman was in the hotel office crying because the man wouldn’t give her back her phone, wallet, or keys. The lovebirds agreed to separate for the night.
• Jan. 23: Three nimrods wearing backpacks were shooting pigeons under the pier with BB guns. Police found three dead birds and one injured one.
• Jan. 23: A caller reported a man sleeping in the bushes at Pismo Coast Village. The caller was concerned about recent vandalism in the area, as opposed to someone who lives in the bushes.
• Jan. 20: A caller reported fogged windows in a car on the 300 block of Park. The junior sleuth thought that someone might be camping in the car.
• Jan. 22: A caller on the 300 block of Five Cities Drive reported that a woman was trying to get into a car and the man driving it kept moving it away from her.
• Jan. 22: Some guy was arrested after it was reported he was pulling out baggies that might contain drugs in the bushes by the bus stop at the Outlet Center.
• Jan. 22: A caller from Texas asked police to check on his adult children who he hadn’t heard from since Christmas. Police located his son and told him to be a good boy and call his father.
San Luis Obispo
• Jan. 29: The cavalry was called at 6:25 a.m. for a robbery on Stage Coach Road but the varmints got away by the time the sheriffs arrived at 6:47 that night.
• Jan. 23: The SLOPD Noise Police responded at midnight to the 200 block of Hathway for a loud party. A kid was cited for a disturbance and logs said he had 40 people in a studio apartment.
• Jan. 23: Police responded at 1 a.m. to Mo Tav in the 700 block of Higuera for a disturbance. Logs indicated two apparent brothers — one 24 the other 21 — got arrested along with a third tosspot, 20, for suspicion of being deep in their cups and will no doubt have a story to repeat forever at Thanksgiving.
• Jan. 22: Someone at Mitchell Park reported at 8:06 a.m. some transient man swilling hooch sitting on a bench “behind the Senior Center under a redwood tree.” The gnome was sent packing.
• Jan. 22: A man called at 9 a.m. from the 1100 block of Laurel and said his no doubt beloved brother just broke into his house through the back door.
• Jan. 22: Someone reported suspicious subjects in the 1100 block of Laurel, at Andre Morris & Buttery (Tee-hee, you said butt), which is an insurance company, so there you go. The call was canceled.
• Jan. 22: Police responded to a traffic hazard at 9:22 a.m. on Pismo Street outside Planned Parenthood, where anti-abortion protesters put out a sign in the street, a case of someone needs a little parenting.
• Jan. 22: At 10 a.m. someone reported a stumblebum in the 600 block of Marsh. Police arrested a 51-year-old regular customer, who hopped back on the carousel.
• Jan. 22: Police were called at 12:38 p.m. to the Elks Lodge for an unconscious bleeding man who’d been brained in the head.
• Jan. 22: Police were called to the City Hall bus stop on Osos because a semi tractor-trailer was blocking the bus bays, now they know how we all feel.
• Jan. 22: Someone called at 2 p.m. to report a creepy panhandler at Walnut and Santa Rosa needs “attention,” though a twenty was no doubt preferred.
• Jan. 22: Someone called at 3 p.m. from Laurel and Augusta where a cement truck dumped its load in the street, and thank God it wasn’t a manure truck.
• Jan. 22: Police responded at 5:09 p.m. to a schwasted couple in the 700 block of Higuera, ruining the vibe at Ambiance.
• Jan. 22: Police were called at 8:10 p.m. to McDonald’s on Madonna for a guy sitting in the back seat of a gray Suburban vomiting, no word on whether he’d already eaten or not. Ol’ Raaalph was gone.
• Jan. 22: At 9:05 p.m. a woman in the 2900 block of Augusta reported that her 12-year-old daughter was kicking her, as the hellion didn’t want to go to bed, so how does jail sound?
• Jan. 22: Someone in the 700 block of Pepper called at 10:13 p.m. to report a bunch of people camping in a big, green school bus. Police sent the Partridge Family packing.
• Jan. 22: Police responded at 11:48 p.m. to a disturbance at Beverly’s Fabric Shop in the 800 block of Higuera. A 22-year-old dingus was arrested for suspicion of vandalism and of course being FUBAR.
• Jan. 21: Police responded to French Hospital at 2:17 a.m. after a family feud erupted in the ER.
• Jan. 21: A citizen in the 3300 block of Bullock called at 3:52 a.m. after hearing some sneak thief trying to break in through the front window.
• Jan. 20: Someone reported a possibly crazy woman screaming at Mustang Village at 7 p.m. Logs indicated she had just broken up with her boyfriend, so may have been celebrating.
• Jan. 20: A citizen in the 600 block of Perkins said some mope came looking for dope.
• Jan. 16: Police were called to the 900 block of Mill at Utility Telephone after someone found two paper bags full of women’s underwear, as someone’s apparently going around commando.
• Jan. 16: Police and paramedics rushed at 2 p.m. to Tank Farm and Poinsettia for an apparent alcohol poisoning case. Logs indicated the person chugged a quart bottle of mouthwash and was having difficulty breathing, what was no doubt minty-fresh breath. Then at 11:49, another reveler went belly up in the area of Loomis and Grand. Logs said a fuzzy fellow fell flat on his face.
• Jan. 16: Someone at Mike’s Shoes on Madonna reported a fraud. The suspect is described as white, 5-foot 8-inches tall, reddish hair, gray shirt, fat, with a lazy eye.
• Jan. 17: Police were called at 2:15 p.m. to the 1100 block of Broad for some transient sleeping in front of Hemp Shack. The 28-year-old slacker was hauled to the County B&B.
• Jan. 17: A woman at the Anderson Apartments on Monterey called at 4:05 p.m. to say she’s been having suicidal thoughts every day at 4, maybe she should try watching Ellen.
